Friends,
These last six months have been the most difficult time of my life.
A family member in my home has been going through addiction. It's thrown our home life into disarray. During this time, I've been repeatedly lied to, gaslighted, betrayed, manipulated, taken advantage of, had kindness thrown back in my face. I've spent tens of thousands of dollars to help this person and have little to show for it. People I had respected were found to be aiders and abettors that hurt me and my family.
If it continues, I am certain our family will fray, our finances will go into the red, the relationship with our kids will be broken. I'll likely lose my home. Broken family, broken lives, if this continues.
I have good reason to consider myself a victim in this.
But I've found that glorifying my victimhood -- woe is me, "look at all the bad that's happened to me" -- actually makes things worse.
Maybe you're a victim too. Maybe someone sexually abused you as a child. Maybe your spouse mistreated you or assaulted you. Maybe you were deeply wronged by a close friend. Maybe your business partner took advantage of you. Maybe you have real reasons to consider yourself a victim.
But I would encourage you not to glorify your victimhood or make it a key part of your identity.
Making your victim status a key part of your identity multiplies frustration and anger. It slows down your forward progress in moving beyond the hurt that was caused. It stymies your relationship with God and people.
For me, when I was alone in the car or at home, I found myself rehearsing speeches I'd make to my addicted family member. It never helped and usually made things worse; it'd just build up anger for the person internally. Eventually that anger spills out, as Yeshua told us,
For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are what defile a person.
-Matthew 15
I found myself talking to trusted friends about the things that have happened to me. But talking about all the things the addicted family member did grew my resentment for them. My conversations with my trusted friends soon became dominated by my victimhood. I think it was unhealthy for me and for the people I was talking to. I was becoming Judah the Poor Victim.
It's not that we can't talk about the things that have happened to us. It's not that we can't grieve about it before God or with close friends. In fact, I think talking to God about them is one of the best things you can do with victimhood.
But if you make that victim status a key part of your identity -- Judah the Victim -- then it crosses into an unhealthy territory. What was done to you will never fully go away. If your victim status is a key part of your personality, a key part of you will always be broken. Then the evil done to you has a new foothold and gained new territory: your identity.
Identity built around victimhood is unhealthy.
As for me, bad things have happened to me, but my identity is in the Lord. Yeshua is my identity, and I am a child of God, much beloved and not forgotten. He has seen all that's happened, and He is my reward.
I don't know why I'm writing this post, other than to take note of this observation from the frying pan. Maybe it will help you too.