Horrific Minnesota Radio

As if the weather wasn't enough to keep people out of Minnesota, lo and behold, our pathetic Minnesota radio stations:

• KQ-92:

Old people music, from this guy's generation.



You can catch the occassional goodie from the Stones or the Beatles, but mostly it's just old junk. Keep your ears tuned to KQ...Ninety-two for the greatest hits in Rock N Roll.


• 93-X:

Head-banger's ball. Perhaps the most popular music station in the state, they'll play the occassional good rock song, but really this station is just interested in playing loud noise from bands like Mudvayne, Slipknot, Disturbed, and other...disturbing "music". Current favorites on the station are bands featuring these handsome young people:

<-- Slipknot

<-- Mudvayne

<-- Disturbed

Unless your face is painted to look like that of a demon's, you've got surgically implanted spikes in your face, like to sing songs about pushing your fingers into your eyes, and ya have enough golden rings that even Frodo would be proud, you're a poser here, and shouldn't be listening. Because if it's ROOOOOOOCK, it's Ninety-three...X....X....X....X...X...


• KS-95:

On the complete opposite end of the contemporary music spectrum, here we have music made just for you, the soccer mom. You can't be bothered by music with any meaning, just something nice you'd like to listen to while you're in an elevator, pummeling to your death below.



We solute you, soccer mom, for your loyal listening to today's variety, KS-95.


• 101.3 KDWB:

Music. Energy. Fun. Vomiting yet? Are you one of those people that actually like those teen summer movies with predictable, over-done plots with stereotypical teen characters, where the geeks finish last and the hotties get it on at the end? Have you been brainwashed by the RIAA to mindlessly gobble up the cookie cutter teenie bop spewed out by today's 'artists'? Then do we have the station for you!



We've got songs for you, dancing Britney Spears wannabe! And for you, poor mad-at-the-world high schooler: our wide selection of songs about how it's all your parents' fault, or how you want to take your own life but keep hanging on, well, our selection for you is endless. And you, the partying immature thirty-something, you act like you're still in high school -- and you're right! With Kay Dee Doubleyou Bee, #1 for today's hit music, you can get your Usher and your Ludacris, making you feel younger already, all while listening to a bumper crop of great teenage songs like Stacy's Mom that make you feel like you're somebody in the world. Thanks, Britney wannabe. Thanks, angry-at-the-world highschooler. Thanks, immature thirty-something. You guys are what makes 101.3 KDWB the #1 station for today's hit music.


• Drive-105:

Ah yes, what would the world be without you aspiring, independent yuppies? Your independence and alternative-ness is obvious from your hip clothes you bought at Old Navy (seperating you from the geeks), your cute apartment with decorations borrowed from Queer Eye (seperating you from the head-bangers), and your expensive gadgets you bought with mom's inheritance money, all this is only confirmed when you listen to Minnesota's alternative radio, Drive 105, a station NOT owned or operated by Clear Channel communications.



Nice thought and all. Too bad your music sucks, playing songs that would have even Eddie Murphy turning in his grave, after he died listening to his own album last year. Salutations to the alternative culture that makes Drive 105 the station for Twin City yuppies.


• Kool-108:

The saying, "There's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster", holds true for no station greater than the sounds of the '60s and '70s, KOOOOoooooOOOl 108.



It's Kooooooool man, just hit this joint, turn the dial to 108, and you're back in '68 man. Minus the acid and free, gratuitous sex. Here's to you, aging hippy liberal, your never-dying spirit of freeness makes this station the choice for the great hits of the '60s and '70s, Kool 108.