I need to start by saying I'm sorry.
To anyone who clicked on the link to read this blog because they thought it was going to be about "apologetics," I am very sorry, but that's not what this blog is about. Christian apologetics is a VERY important topic, and maybe I'll write the next one about that, but this blog is about something which is also very important so no matter why you're here, I hope you'll read it to the end.
Apology, and the closely related topic of forgiveness, is a VITALLY important part of our lives. It is SO MUCH easier to forgive someone if they've sincerely apologized, and if they haven't, it can be very difficult to forgive them. Out of this difficulty can come other difficulties, including bitterness and resentment, anger and discontentment. Nothing good comes from any of these things.
That is not to say that we're allowed to not forgive people who don't apologize, but it IS to say that if we love one another as Christ loved us, that is "sacrificially" than apologizing is a fairly small sacrifice to make in order to make it easier for someone to forgive us, and to bring reconciliation and peace between brethren and all the rest.
With that in mind, let's take a look at some relevant Bible passages (all taken from the NKJV)
1 John 1:9; If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Psalm 51:3 For I acknowledge my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.
Matthew 5:23-24 Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
Now, the subject of "apology" and the very closely related topic of "forgiveness" are very much on my mind right now because I'm writing this blog a few hours before the sun goes down here in Jerusalem, and when the sun goes down today, then Yom Kippur will begin.
As most readers of this blog will no doubt be aware, the days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are called the "days of Awe" and it is during these days that special prayers called "Slichot" are said in order to repent to God for all the sins one might have committed in the course of the previous year which one forgot to repent of, or maybe one wasn't precisely aware one had sinned, or whatever. It is also a time when people go around begging each other's pardon for offences they might have committed against each other during the previous year.
Now, again, "apology" and "forgiveness" are very much on my mind today for a deeply personal reason.
It's because four years ago, I sent an email to an old friend of mine to tell him that I had discovered that he had been dishonest with me about something. It wasn't just any old something either; it had caused tremendous damage to my life, and he had done it deliberately; it wasn't an accident or a slip of the tongue. It was a betrayal of our friendship, an abuse of the power he had over my life at the time and it was just, in general, a really rotten, lousy, despicable thing to do.
All of this, and a bit more, was in the email I sent him, and I was hoping it would make him feel convicted so he'd apologize and make things right between us.
I don't know if he felt convicted or not, because he simply didn't respond. He didn't write back to tell me I had it all wrong and try to make a bunch of lame excuses, or tell me to go jump in the lake, or anything else. He certainly didn't write back to apologize and ask for my forgiveness. He just ignored it, and he has made no effort to communicate with me in any way whatsoever over the four years since, although we have many mutual friends, and it would be easy for him to do so.
So every year as we approach Yom Kippur, I think maybe this year it'll be different. At a time when everyone in Israel is going around begging each others pardon, apologizing, repenting, making amends, reconciling, etc. that at this time, it would occur to him that he should finally call me and sort this out. That is not to even mention Matthew 5:23-24, which contains instructions regarding this kind of situation from the mouth of Jesus Himself.
By not responding to my message, my old friend was doing something called "adding insult to injury." The original injury here had been bad enough, but the insult of his not even bothering to respond when I told him I knew about it made it much worse. What that communicates is that he thinks the sin he committed against me is "no big deal" and there's no need to acknowledge it, much less apologize for it.
But what's worse than that is that this man, who is an ordained pastor and has been working for many years in a very prominent Christian Zionist ministry here in Jerusalem, has forgotten Romans 13:8; Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law.
This man owes me an apology, which isn't love, and so he's not only ignoring me, which is disrespectful to the point of being dehumanizing, he is also ignoring the Word of God, which is much worse.
Now, I'm not just writing this blog to splatter my angst about all this to the internet. I'm writing it because this experience of mine is not unusual. Almost everyone owes apologies to others and is owed apologies by others. Apologizing is something we human beings aren't very good at, and that's as true in the Church as it is outside the Church, perhaps even more so. This is, I believe, a leading cause of unforgiveness and all the negative things that follow from it, including bitterness, contentions, and all that other stuff that splits up churches, marriages, families, friendships, musical bands, sports teams, unions, corporations, etc.
So, as a public service, I have decided to give an example of the right way to apologize and a few of the most common wrong ways to apologize.
First, the right way.
When someone comes to you and tells you that you've committed some kind of offense against them, the thing to do is drop everything else and give that individual your full attention and ask them to explain, as precisely as they can, what the offense was, how it made them feel, and what they need from you in order to make things right. All of this has the effect of making them feel seen and heard, and thus, fully human. Anything less will make them feel NOT seen and NOT heard and if that happens, they'll feel disrespected and maybe even dehumanized, and that will add another layer to the original offense and cause all kinds of other problems.
Once they have told you everything, you need to respond by saying something like this; "You're right. I understand why you're upset about this." It was wrong for me to do that and I'm sorry. I will do my best to make sure nothing like this ever happens again and I also want to thank you for bringing this to my attention and not just being angry about it without telling me why."
Now there's two sidenotes here that are very critical.
First, when you say these words, it's important to mean them. Don't just say them as a way of getting the person out of your hair, or getting out of the situation so you can move on and/or get back to what you were doing before they interrupted you. If that is even slightly on your mind, it will show in your tone and your body language, and once again, this will make the offended person feel disrespected and that will just make everything worse. That is the kind of thing that can turn a friend into an enemy for life, and it's the exact opposite of what you want. The person who feels like you're not taking them seriously, not respecting them, and not REALLY sorry at all, might just let it drop and walk away and quietly hate you for the rest of their life, or they might double down on their hostility right away, or worst of all, they might start, at that moment, to believe that they really ARE unworthy of respect, less than fully human, one inch tall, etc. and start acting accordingly. This kind of self-destructive attitude is SO very common in the Church, and the problems it causes take up far too much of every pastors time.
Now I need to say a this point that sometimes people's complaints against us ARE silly, petty, stupid or ridiculous. After all, Proverbs 19:11 says The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression.
But not everyone is on the same level of maturity, and the thing you want to keep in mind is that we're trying to help each other by being strong where others are weak and bearing each other's burdens. If someone is burdened by being really sensitive in an area so that when they get touched there, even lightly, it hurts, then don't tell them how stupid it is for them to be offended by something you wouldn't be offended by because you're less sensitive in that area. Just tell them you're sorry, and promise them you won't do it again.
The other sidenote is that you should NEVER, and I mean NEVER, EVER, EVER(!) not take someone seriously just because they're a child. If a child comes to you and tells you that you hurt their feelings when you knocked their stuffed animal off the chair and didn't pick it up, don't ignore them, or tell them "too bad" or anything else like that. Apologize for not respecting the things that are important to them, even if you think it's stupid or ridiculous or whatever.
The idea that "children are resilient" is rubbish. Children are VERY sensitive and VERY fragile. They remember having their feelings hurt and being disrespected for the rest of their lives, and it can have devastating consequences. Just stop for a few moments and try and remember something that happened to you before you turned five years old that still hurts when you think about it. You'll probably be able to bring back one of those kinds of memories after thinking about it for less than 30 seconds, and you can probably also think of ways that it is still negatively impacting your life up to this very moment.
So, to quickly review, the RIGHT way to apologize is to stop what you're doing, give the person who is trying to tell you what they need you to apologize for your full attention, listen carefully to what they tell you, and respond sincerely. Don't tell them to "get a life" or "get over it" and DON'T disregard them just because they're a child.
Now, let's get into some of the WRONG ways to apologize.
We can start with the example my old friend gave me of just ignoring the complaint that gets brought to you. Once again, even if you think it's "no big deal," don't ignore it. That will NOT make the problem go away. The person who told you that you've offended them won't just forget about it. Instead, it will be an open wound in your relationship with that person that will get harder and harder to heal the longer it goes unattended. Something that could have been resolved with a five-minute conversation, if it gets sorted out immediately, will be much more difficult and possibly expensive to fix later on.
Next, there's the infamous "I'm sorry, but..." routine.
This non-apology starts with the right words but quickly gets into the weeds of all the reasons why it wasn't the fault of the person who is supposed to be apologizing; it's the fault of the person who feels like they're owed an apology. Once again, this does absolutely nothing to soothe the wounded feelings of the offended party and just adds another layer of disrespect to the original offense, fanning the flames of anger, bitterness, resentment, and outrage.
Maybe there WERE some legitimate reasons why the other person wasn't completely blameless in escalating the situation to the point where it eventually got to. So the way to talk about that is by saying, "can you do me the kindness of thinking twice before you say or do X next time? That will help me not make this mistake again."
Remember, it's not about who is "right" and who is "wrong," it's about who is already acting like a mature Believer and who needs help to become more mature.
We're not here to win arguments, we're here to win PEOPLE to the Kingdom. Never forget that!
With that in mind, by far, the worst of these non-apologies is the "I'm sorry you..." routine.
I'm sorry YOU feel that way.
I'm sorry YOU have a root of bitterness.
I'm sorry YOU didn't like what I said.
I'm sorry YOU had a bad experience.
I'm sorry YOU see things that way.
See, by saying this, you're not apologizing for the thing you did, which was out of order; you're merely expressing regret for a situation which you implicitly blame on the other person. You're saying, in effect, "there IS something wrong here, but you're the source of the problem, not me."
It's not hard to figure out when someone is doing that, and once again, it just adds insult to the original injury; it adds another layer of offense and does nothing to soothe the wounded feelings of the other person and put out the flames of the dispute between you and them. Quite the opposite, in fact, it actually pours gasoline on the flames.
So...don't do that.
To sum this up, if someone comes to you and tells you that you've done or said something to injure or offend them, you should be very grateful that they value your friendship enough to take that step instead of simply dropping you, or quietly resenting you. So don't get defensive and start making excuses, or dismissing their concerns, or telling them to "get over it" or otherwise not taking them seriously.
Instead, thank them for taking the brave first step of letting you know there's a problem, thank them for trusting you enough to expect that you'll do your part to solve it, give them a sincere apology that let's them feel like they've been seen and heard and otherwise taken seriously and respected, and THEN, actually try to not make the same mistake again.
Needless to say, this works both ways. If someone has offended or hurt YOU, take a moment to think about whether it should be overlooked. Are you ready to "be the bigger person" and just forget about it?
If not, or if you don't think this is something that even the bigger person should simply overlook, but rather it's a problem that needs to be dealt with, then go to that person privately and let them know what they did that you think they owe you an apology for. Don't expect them to know, because many times they don't realize they did something that violated your boundaries. Everyone has different boundaries, and they might be genuinely unaware that they did anything out of order.
So tell them, politely but firmly, what they did that you feel they owe you an apology for, and then be willing to accept their apology when they offer it. Forgive them, and forget about it, as best you can. Don't hold on to something once it's been resolved.
Doing all this will bring blessings to your own life, as well as the life of your family, your community, and ultimately, to the Kingdom of Jesus Christ that you belong to.
Colossians 3:12-13 Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.