Dennis Miller on Palestine

*edit* An anonymous, angry, and sexually frustrated Slashdot nerd corrected me on this one: It was Larry Miller, not Dennis Miller, who wrote this essay. Regardless of the author, this article is really to-the-point and dead on. Enjoy...

For those that don't know, Dennis Miller is a man of many talents: he was a stand-up comedian. He's had his own show on HBO. Last year he was an announcer for the famed Monday Night Footbal on ABC. This year he's got his own talk show on MSNBC. While neither Jew nor Arab, he's got some interesting insight into the Israeli situation, worth a read:

"A brief overview of the situation is always valuable,
so as a service to all Americans who still don't get
it, I now offer you the story of the Middle East in
just a few paragraphs, which is all you Really need.

Here we go:

The Palestinians want their own country. There's just
one thing about that:

There are no Palestinians. It's a made up word.
Israel was called Palestine for two thousand years.
Like "Wiccan," "Palestinian" sounds ancient but is
really a modern invention. Before the Israelis won
the land in the 1967 war, Gaza was owned by Egypt, the
West Bank was owned by Jordan, and there were no
"Palestinians."

As soon as the Jews took over and started growing
oranges as big as basketballs, what do you know, say
hello to the "Palestinians," weeping for their deep
bond with their lost "land" and "nation."

So for the sake of honesty, let's not use the word
"Palestinian" any more to describe these delightful
folks, who dance for joy at our deaths until someone
points out they're being taped. Instead, let's call
them what they are: "Other Arabs Who Can't Accomplish
Anything In Life And Would Rather Wrap Themselves In
The Seductive Melodrama Of Eternal Struggle And
Death."

I know that's a bit unwieldy to expect to see on CNN.
How about this, then:

"Adjacent Jew-Haters." Okay, so the Adjacent
Jew-Haters want their own country. Oops, just one
more thing. No, they don't. They could've had their
own country any time in the last thirty years,
especially two years ago at Camp David. But if you
have your own country, you have to have traffic lights
and garbage trucks and Chambers of Commerce, and,
worse, you actually have to figure out some way to
make a living.

That's no fun. No, they want what all the other
Jew-Haters in the region want: Israel. They also want
a big pile of dead Jews, of course
--that's where the real fun is -- but mostly they want
Israel.

Why? For one thing, trying to destroy Israel - or
"The Zionist Entity" as their textbooks call it -- for the last fifty years
has allowed the rulers of Arab countries to divert the
attention of their own people away from the fact that
they're the blue-ribbon most illiterate, poorest, and
tribally backward on God's Earth, and if you've ever
been around God's Earth, you know that's really saying
something.

It makes me roll my eyes every time one of our pundits
waxes poetic about the great history and culture of
the Muslim Mid east. Unless I'm missing something,
the Arabs haven't given anything to the world since
Algebra, and, by the way, thanks a hell of a lot for
that one.

Chew this around and spit it out: Five hundred million
Arabs; five Million Jews. Think of all the Arab
countries as a football field, and Israel as a pack of
matches sitting in the middle of it. And now these
same folks swear that if Israel gives them half of
that pack of matches,Everyone will be pals..

Really? Wow, what neat news. Hey, but what about the
string of wars to obliterate the tiny country and the
constant din of rabid blood oaths to drive every Jew
into the sea? Oh, that? We were just kidding.

My friend Kevin Rooney made a gorgeous point the other
day: Just reverse the Numbers. Imagine five hundred
million Jews and five million Arabs. I was stunned at
the simple brilliance of it. Can anyone picture the
Jews strapping belts of razor blades and dynamite to
themselves? Of course not.

Or marshaling every fiber and force at their disposal
for generations to drive a tiny Arab State into the
sea? Nonsense. Or dancing for joy at the murder of
innocents? Impossible. Or spreading and believing
horrible lies about the Arabs baking their bread with
the blood of children?

Disgusting.

No, as you know, left to themselves in a world of
peace, the worst Jews would ever do to people is
debate them to death After September 11th our
president told us and the world he was going to root
out all terrorists and the countries that supported
them. Beautiful.
Then the Israelis, after months and months of having
the equivalent of an Oklahoma City every week (and
then every day) start to do the same thing we did, and
we tell them to show restraint.

If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City
every day, we would all very shortly be screaming for
the administration to just be done with it and kill
everything south of the Mediterranean and east of the
Jordan.