Annoying Religious Spam

Dear Religious People of the Internetz,

Please refrain from using ALL CAPS WHEN TYPING. It’s the online equivalent of shouting, and makes you appear a fool.


Please don’t send me emails with ALL CAPS in the subject line. It decreases the chances of it being read.

Emails with gratuitous bolding, underlining, and crazy color schemes that highlight the latest end-of-the-world scenario have been safely ignored since 1988. You can’t milk that cow forever.

Emotion-based arguments are silly.

I won’t join your Facebook group.

I won’t forward your religious chain mail. Especially if it tries to lay guilt trips on anyone who ignores it:

“90% of the people that receive this Godly Jesus loving email won’t forward it to their friends because they’re afraid to offend. Or maybe you’re just ashamed of Jesus Christ.

Will you be one of the blessed few who forward this to everyone in their address book?”

No. No, I won’t be one of the ‘blessed few’.

If you send me more than 2 emails/day on average, I’m unlikely to read any of them. Especially if they are emotion-based arguments, or utilize crazy color schemes or migraine-inducing text highlighting. If you’re really writing that much, start a blog. If you’re just forwarding other people’s crap, stop it.

Using numbers in place of words is juvenile.

“Be baptised 4 the forgiveness of sins! Don’t be h8in’!!11”

When you do that, we’re left to believe you’re too lazy to type a few extra characters, or you’re a tweener. Either way, you come across as a fool.

Acting all religious, then cursing like a sailor on MySpace makes you look like a hypocrite.

If your argument references, I’m unlikely to take you seriously.

Likewise, Wikipedia shouldn’t be your only reference source.

When your doomsday emails suggest we purchase survivalist equipment,

Survival - What to buy? Farmland and ammunition.

…I’m unlikely to take you seriously.

Less so if you use headache-causing text formatting:

Survival - What to buy? Farmland and ammunition.

Even less so if you use ALL CAPS:

Survival – What to buy? FARMLAND AND AMMUNITION!

Yet less so if you misspell ‘survival’ and add gratuitous exclamation points and accidentally let up the shift key while making all those lovely exclamation points.

servival – what to buy? FARMLAND AND AMMUNITION!!!!!1111

Thank you, dear religious people on the internet, for your time and consideration.

Sincerely yours,
-A religious person on the Internetz

p.s. For tips on proper email and online etiquette, go here and then here and if you’re in the mood for some animation, go here.


  1. dude you are so awesome i love your blogs...i have aptly shared this with a friend who i'm sure will appreciate it.

  2. Hopefully you forwarded it to him through an email. With big, red, underlined lettering.


  3. This calls for a good, hearty "ROFLMAO". =)

    Seriously, you hit the nail on the head, I can't stand that garbage.

    BTW, if we don't forward the link to this blog... are we doomed to hell?

  4. Aaron,

    You don't have to forward this. Of course, if you don't, that means you're ashamed of your faith and are a Torah-breaking heathen. But hey, that's your choice.

    Don't take my word for it; it's clearly in the Torah. Deut 20:2:

    "When you are about to go into battle, the priest shall come [and] forward [the righteous email] and address [it to] the army [e.g. all recipients]."

  5. Thank you for this. Thank you thank you thank you.